Already all I need

I hesitated sharing such a personal post especially since my normal posts are silly and all pictures which this is total opposite-but soon after realized those thoughts were coming from a place of fear of what others would think, if it would make sense etc.

My purpose and prayer in sharing this story is that it would be used for Gods glory and to bring others to a more intimate relationship with Christ.

The last 8 weeks I have been going through a study with a group of girls from church called “No Other Gods” by  Kelly Minter. I had done it once before about 3 years ago, but this time around  I was in a different place (spiritually, emotionally, physically…) and wanting to hear from the Lord, wanting to be near to him, wanting to crave and desire Him more than anything else.

The theme of the study is getting rid of all the idols and gods we choose to serve over the one true God…getting rid of those things to make room for Him. What I learned, was not what I was expecting to learn. (Isn’t that just like us…trying to assume what God is going to teach…putting him in box…people, let me just tell you, he will ALWAYS exceed your expectations)

Week 1-5 I was really being challenged and convicted in a lot of different areas. Light was being shed on things that I didn’t realize were idols in my life but they were (people pleasing is one to be exact) but in Week 6 I had a life changing moment, a freedom moment, a realization that I didn’t have to be fearful anymore, a realization that there was a purpose, a realization that I AM NOT IN CONTROL.

You see, back in January Justin and I went through a miscarriage. I haven’t ever shared that here and many of you probably knew that already. The day we found out it was no longer a viable pregnancy I kept telling myself and people I knew that God was sovereign and in control. I knew that there was a purpose. I knew I wasn’t the only one to go through it. I knew I should be thankful because we had Libby.

I meant those things so I assumed I should be good. I SHOULD be good. So I told people I was good.

Now I know that deep down I was not ok. I was hurt and confused. I felt stuck in this place of feeling the need to keep it together, other people had it way worse not feeling that I had a “right” to still be having a hard time. Needing to say the right things and have the right attitude because I KNEW what was true…but my heart was having a hard time believing it.

It’s exhausting faking it for so long and it began to spill out in two main forms: A bad attitude and quick temper (which I attributed to crazy hormones) and not sleeping (my brain wouldn’t stop the what-ifs and the whys).

And here is why I was so confused: I heard very clearly from the Lord back in July 2013 while on vacation in Colorado that we needed to start trying to have another baby.

So when we found out that there was no heart beat at 11 weeks, all I kept asking myself was what was the point? Why would you tell me that so clearly and it turn out this way?

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when we got to Week 6 of our  study. Day 1-3 to be exact.

Day 1 started with this quote by Charles Spurgeon, “If thou has anything that perplexes thee, the simplest plan for thee will be, not to try to solve the difficulty, but to seek direction from heaven concerning it. If thou hast, at this moment, some doubt that is troubling thee, thy wisest plan will be, not to combat the doubt, but to come to Christ just as thou art, and to refer the doubt to him. Remember how men act when they are concerned in a lawsuit; if they are wise, they do not undertake the case themselves. They know our familiar proverb, “He who is his own lawyer has a fool for his client”; so they take their case to someone who is able to deal with it, and leave it with him.”

Then we read from Isaiah 55:1-9, but the part that really stood out to me was verse 2 and 3,

Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
    and delight yourselves in rich food.
Incline your ear, and come to me;
    hear, that your soul may live;

That day I still wasn’t getting the full picture of what I was about to learn, but all these things were stepping stones. The personal reflection that day said write any way your soul is hungry and thirsty. I wrote that my soul has been anxious and tired, needing peace and God’s word for truth and strength. I didn’t realize that’s how I was until my pen was gliding across the paper writing that answer.

Remember, I thought I was fine 😉

Day 2 We revisited Isaiah 55:1-9 asking God to reveal new things to us through it because “Scripture is dense enough, and He can do it.” Kelly Minter

On this day, I was reminded how important it is to daily come to God, listen to Him, turn from our idols and call out to Him. This is what a relationship looks like. I was desperate to have an intimate relationship with the Lord again. I was tired of the dry season. And it wasn’t going to change if I just continued to sit idly.

Psalm 43:3 “Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me…” I wanted Gods truth to lead me. Not mans, not my own…Gods.

Day 3 The word for the day was provision. We looked at the story about Abraham and Isaac in Genesis 22.

Abraham trusted God and obeyed what God told him to do. Abraham told Isaac that God would provide a lamb, or reasoned that God would raise his son from the dead. Abraham believed that somehow God was going to provide. If you’ve read that story, you know that God provided a ram that was stuck in a thicket. Abraham may have gotten the process or details wrong but was right when he believed God would provide.

This is where everything began to make sense. I began to see things clearer.

The part that was so amazing to me through this story is that Abraham didn’t question God when he was told to sacrifice his son. He trusted and obeyed immediately. He knew God was going to provide, he believed Gods promises.

In July 2013, when I felt clearly that God was telling us to move forward in trying to have another baby I assumed it would be easy. I assumed everything would be a-ok and nothing would go wrong because of that. However, it hasn’t been.

I believe and see now that I was not promised a baby that day back in July 2013. I was only asked to obey and trust what he was asking me to do.  Since January, I have allowed fear and control to dominate instead of trusting Gods plan and provision.

Do I still want another baby? Absolutely! Are there still days where it’s hard thinking about the miscarriage and what could have been? Yes. But because of God’s grace I am truly trusting Him in it all and truly for the first time have a peace about whatever is to come whether that’s another baby or not. Are there days where it’s hard? Yes. Are there days where I try and control what happens? Yes. But I serve a God whose ways are higher than mine. Whose plan is way more perfect than mine. Whose story I am getting to be apart of and for that I am grateful.

My prayer daily is that I would yearn for God and God alone more than anything else. That HIS word would lead me.

I am a sinner and I mess up and I fail. I give into the lies that often come creeping in but God’s power is made perfect in my weakness. I pray often “I want to believe, help my unbelief!”  I trust His plan.

Now, I truly believe, I already have all that I need and that is Christ.

Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing this. You have such a beautiful heart for The Lord and I love reading about it!

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